You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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