when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
