I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
