I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
