Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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