I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
