She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
