My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
