Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He shit in the fireplace
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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