What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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