There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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