please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
