I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
