Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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