just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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