She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
