I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
