yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
