Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
