god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
