New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
