Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
