D3 body, D1 cock
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
