my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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