party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
