mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
