Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
if only i could text you this smell
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
