Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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