I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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