Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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