Can i not drive my cunt home
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
