so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
