I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
