So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
