What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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