So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
