Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
