I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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