everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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