I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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