dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
