Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Randomize
