Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
