Dual....:-)
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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