So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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