she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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