god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
