For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
