The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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