i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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